I sat looking outside as the barley fields whipped past the bus in the dim light of the sun, despite the bright streaks of color in the sky. It was a beautiful day, but the decisions that I took today seemed endlessly horrible. I had, after years of contemplating the consequences of my longing, impulsively decided to leave my farming community and ignorant family, for a hopefully better life in the city.
My life was neither the best, nor the worst because I had this knack of being noticed when I wanted to disappear and vice versa. I was scared out of my wits, but the sight of the plain yellow fields slowly fading into purple alstromeria fields felt soothing. Unknown to me, a warm, known smile crept onto my lips. Purple alstroemerias were my favorite flowers. The color purple never failed to remind me of how it feels to truly be happy. It gave me a feeling that I never felt back at home; the only thing in my life that seemed to give me hypothetical company. Alstromerias, on the other hand, look beautiful and unique, just as I hope I am. I convinced myself since middle school that that was the reason why I was so lonely, although I was never entirely sure. Was I gaslighting myself?
The bus came to a halt in front of the magical purple fields. Unbeknownst to me, I walked off the bus with my backpack slung over one shoulder. I stepped off and froze. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as a cold breeze stroked my features and threw back my brown hair, while the warm sun beat down soft rays of heat. I took in the moment. The sight, the smell, the feeling. I felt free, almost like I never have been before; like I could become one with the wind and fly.
A few minutes later, I realized that the bus had left and I was the only one that had gotten down. I was alone near the fields, with barely any cars passing by, but I liked it. Liked to be alone and feel like I could finally be myself, yet not entirely lonely, either. Overtime I came to understand the being alone and feeling lonely were two entirely different things.
That was when I had come to my senses, as a car honked as it swerved around me. I was still standing in the middle of the road. I ran into the fields and dropped my backpack and breathed in the dense sweetness of the alstromerias with bliss. I slumped down to sit next to my backpack with a wide smile on my face. I could just stay here forever.
As the sun began to set deeper into the sky, the streaks of bright color disappeared, and was replaced by a deep, dark blue dotted sky with bright white stars.
I should probably head back. I gingerly stood up with my luggage in hand and walked through the now dark purple fields, staring into the sky, mesmerized by the stars and full moon casting its dim white light. My face felt warm amid the cold air, and I am sure that I was blushing even though the sun had mostly disappeared.
I should take walks like this more often. But, why am I heading back? I left for a reason, but I was heading back home for a different one. I was determined to leave my home, but thinking about it was different from actually doing it. It was harder and more complicated. The further the bus drove, the more I feared my future. I did not have the confidence or the self-esteem to believe in myself. No matter how old I would get and how many years would pass by, that would always be something that is left damaged. It would be hard to work on it and improve myself, but I could not hate myself more than I did right now for continuing the way of life I did not want.
Later that night, I arrived back home, only to deepen my understanding that nobody really cared. Nobody noticed my leaving and and my return. I was happy about it, yet sad about the reality of my life. I spent the night reminiscing about the fascinating things that I was able to feel for the first time in what felt like forever. I felt nice, happy, and free in a new way that I had almost never have before. If only I could follow my heart like that all the time. All I could do is dream.